Mommy... Oh, how I wanted to be a mom. As a young child, I had always dreamt that I would be married at 18 and have 12 children. Yes, that is right, 12! Clearly, you can already tell I am a little odd. I knew that my purpose in life was to be a mom. Now, I am 27, I had gotten married a year ago and I was far behind on my purpose. I went to the OBGYN and she said, "I don't know what is happening, so you should see a specialist." The fertility doctor, after many painful tests said, "It isn't clear what the problem is, but you won't be able to have children unless you start fertility treatments." Here I was, old in my mind, now learning that my purpose in life was gone. What was I to do? My husband was amazing and loved me through it all. We went through 8 months of treatments and I remember crying while going to work and asking God, "Am I still worth anything if I can't be a mom?" I distinctly remember his reply, "Am I still an amazing, loving, God, who can sustain you, if you can't be a mom?" I couldn't honestly answer him. Would I still say He loved me if he didn't allow me to have a child?
He did allow me to have children. In fact, I have 3 amazing children now, but I still have to go back to that question. As a mother, I must constantly ask myself, are you doing this because it is what God asks you to do? Or because your value as a mom will be compromised? When my oldest was young, we would go out and he would act differently in public then he did at home. I would get so upset because I didn't want people to think he was like that. They needed to know who he really was. Why? Because his behavior was a reflection of me. If my children do something, I am their mother, therefore, it directly correlates to my role, my leading, my value. God reminded me, wait, your children are a gift from me. They are not your value. They are my children. I am the one who gives you value. I am the one you should look to for your strength, your role, your identity.
I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. (Gal. 2:20)
I am everything God dreamed I would be because he has placed his righteousness within me. My children are a gift that I can love and lead because He gives me the strength. They are not the indicator of my success or failure, the gauge of my value or the source of my identity. I am so incredibly thankful to be a mom, but I am more thankful for a God who says I am his specifically created warrior princess, who lacks nothing because He lives within me.